At HJC, we offer parenting classes that focus on Compassionate Parenting, Empathy, Emotional Regulation, Setting Limits, Connecting Communication, and Self-Reflection. Despite being surrounded by such valuable resources, I want to share my journey—the real, often challenging process of implementing these principles with my own child. Here, you'll find my personal experiences, the trials and triumphs, and the ongoing process of growth and learning.
Parenting has been one of the most transformative decisions I've ever made. Truly, parenting is HARD! For many years, my husband and I hesitated to have children because, to me, it represented the BIGGEST commitment imaginable—akin to "people-making." It entails more than societal expectations of raising a child. You are responsible for nurturing another human being's emotions: their fears, struggles, happiness, self-esteem, and the ways we connect with others, their contributions to society, which is a tremendous responsibility—a weight that was, frankly, terrifying. My fears always outweighed any desire to become a mother, but with time, my perspective shifted. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I felt ready. Soon enough, my son was on his way.
I cherished every part of my pregnancy journey. Fortunately, it was a smooth experience with minor symptoms, filled with the warm anticipation of what lay ahead. I eagerly awaited the moment where my baby’s little fingers would wrap around mine. However, around the seventh month of my pregnancy, anxiety began to overshadow my excitement. Given my residence in Mexico and my wish to deliver in the United States, complications arose when my husband, who was in the midst of obtaining his visa, couldn't join us. My mind began to spiral, and I started to stress about the what-ifs. This separation disrupted our familial bonds and created feelings of insecurity and instability.
Hospital bills and everything that comes along with having a baby are costly, but this added so much more stress and expense. All because borders dictate where we can and can't be. A simple piece of paper would make my husband miss the birth of our first child, and knowing this was daunting. In the end, I had to make all decisions alone. Thankfully, my family provided tremendous support, but the reality differed vastly from my initial expectations.
Parenting in the current world was indeed HARD, just as I had imagined. Even though I had been warned about how my internal traumas would resurface due to this tiny human being and knowing I needed to work on myself long before having a child, now it was no longer on my timeline. That was a bit of a shock! Suddenly, everything became real.
I aim to share more than just the glossy surface of parenting; I want to delve deep into its complexities, joys, and the profound personal growth it demands. Join me as we explore these intricate dynamics together.
Support Systems
Having a support system is crucial in "people-making," yet reality shows that no one talks about how hard it is to establish one. It's often assumed that you can just "get" a support system, but for me, it's been a struggle. I have a small family, and returning to Mexico meant an even smaller support network. I don’t have family members who can babysit, nor does my husband. Moreover, I've been very intentional about breaking ancestral trauma. It raises the question: do I even want those family members taking care of my son? This becomes even more complex when not everyone around you is on the same page regarding personal growth, or how I want to parent and raise my son. It's a tough call. Hiring help might seem like an easy alternative, but finding someone trustworthy and affordable has not been an option for us. It's been extremely challenging to juggle work and manage it all between my husband and me. I live in a country that doesn’t offer many community resources, much less free ones. I’ve felt hopeless and desperate at times. This is where I’ve had to dig deep and be resilient.
Personal Growth Through Parenting
Becoming a parent has prompted me to deeply reflect on my own upbringing and how it shaped my personal development. My childhood experiences, particularly traumas, profoundly influence my decisions even today.
As a child, I was conditioned to never question authority and to blindly obey, which instilled a pervasive fear of adults and stifled my natural curiosity. This lack of encouragement to explore and learn held me back considerably. It was crucial for me to create a different environment for my son, an environment where he feels secure and valued.
Over the years, as I worked on myself, I learned to establish boundaries and assert my needs, which meant letting go of some relationships. This transformation allowed me to step away from being a people-pleaser who adhered strictly to all rules. This journey of self-reflection has clarified the type of mother I want to be and the kind of relationship I wish for my son to have with me and others. I understand that his childhood will shape not just his values and beliefs but also his empathy, self-esteem, and his ability to connect with others.
Our challenging childhood experiences don't define us but they do play a significant role in shaping our ability to trust, our emotional intelligence, and our conflict resolution strategies. I am dedicated to providing my son with a foundation of trust and safety that encourages him to explore his identity and aspirations.
Expectations vs. Reality
There is often a stark contrast between societal expectations of parenting and the reality that I have experienced. A common piece of advice I’ve heard is, “You shouldn’t hold your child too much, especially if he's crying or they will manipulate you to get what they want.” This advice, along with numerous other opinions on how I should raise my child, reflects a broader expectation that parents should adhere to traditional methods because that’s what is familiar to others. However, my reality is different; I am committed to breaking generational trauma.
Admittedly, this goal is challenging, especially when your baby wants constant closeness while you're trying to manage basic tasks like using the bathroom or eating. It’s tempting to conform to conventional advice because I also need my own space and autonomy and to be frank, it's easier. This creates a tension between my desire to heal from past traumas and my need to ensure that my son feels safe and loved. It's a delicate balance to maintain my personal space and meet his needs.
There is no "perfect parenting." All I can do is give it my best effort, knowing that this might be the toughest challenge I face, but it’s undoubtedly worth it. Reality is, parenting is hard—there are no simple solutions, but the journey of trying to forge a better path for both my son and myself is essential.
Balancing Work and Family Life
Working remotely has been a significant blessing, allowing me to stay close to my son and ensure he is in a safe environment while witnessing his growth firsthand. However, I must admit that balancing work and family life is perhaps my greatest struggle. Finding the right balance remains elusive, as I often deal with interruptions from family needs—whether it’s my husband needing assistance, my baby crying, or household chores demanding my attention—all while lacking a private office space. I work from our living room, which can be quite challenging.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle adds to the struggle. Consistently preparing nutritious meals and finding time to exercise seem nearly impossible. My personal time feels virtually non-existent, and the common advice of waking up before the baby or fitting in workouts during nap times doesn’t align with my reality. My son is 9 months old and still wakes frequently at night, making such a schedule impractical. Despite attempts to carve out time for myself, I’ve found it overwhelming and unsustainable, leaving me physically and mentally exhausted.
There's an unfair expectation that mothers should manage everything flawlessly—from maintaining fitness to managing a household and a career. When we fall short, the criticism can be harsh and unfounded. Balancing these aspects of life shouldn't mean sacrificing one's well-being, and it’s essential to acknowledge and address the unrealistic pressures placed on mothers.
Emotional Wellbeing
Navigating the emotional highs and lows of parenting is like riding a rollercoaster. To be the best parent I can be, prioritizing my mental health and self-care is crucial. Despite this being my greatest challenge—lacking a community or additional help to provide personal space for regrouping—I’ve found ways to manage using simple yet effective tools. Deep breathing, taking a moment to pause and analyze situations before reacting, venting to my sister or family members, and incorporating physical movement and workouts are strategies that might seem minor but significantly impact my emotional well-being.
There are days filled with beautiful connections, where my heart overflows with joy and love, and then there are moments of doubt, questioning my parenting choices. That’s the nature of parenting—there are no perfect days. Accepting this reality helps, but it doesn’t change the fact that parenting is intensely challenging.
Future Aspirations
Reflecting on the sacrifices I'm making now, I am confident that they will be worthwhile. I envision my son growing into a man who embodies empathy, resilience, and happiness, who loves deeply and maintains healthy relationships. I hope he possesses strong self-esteem and approaches conflict resolution peacefully. My greatest desire is for him to be curious, excited about life, clear about his desires, and fearless in pursuing his dreams. To support this vision, I aim to provide a safe and nurturing environment that encourages him to explore and find his true self. I plan to foster these qualities by consistently treating him with love and respect, and by creating a space where he can freely express himself and feel secure in his own identity.
Practical Tips
Practical Tips for Emotional Regulation:
Deep Breathing Exercises: Spend a few minutes each day practicing deep breathing with your child. This can help both of you manage stress and regulate emotions.
Mindful Pauses: Teach your child to take a moment to pause and think before reacting to challenging situations. Model this behavior yourself to reinforce its importance.
Physical Movement: Incorporate physical activities like yoga or simple stretches to release pent-up energy and improve mood.